WHAT DOES BEING “TRIGGERED” MEAN TO YOUR TEEN?

Have you noticed this word popping up in social media a lot these days? I have heard my son reference it on many occasions. ‘I’m feeling so triggered right now’, ‘That was so triggering’ or more often than not upon repeated requests to tidy his room ‘You’re triggering me mom’.

But do our teens, for whom this word, has so easily slipped into their verbal and visual lexicon really understand what it means, and how a deeper understand of what triggers us and our own reactions to these triggers (which are generally negative), can help us to regulate, and respond in a way that serves us better?

Here is an example. It is break time at school.  A few boys are playing soccer. Joshua tackles Sam, and in doing so, accidentally trips him up. As Sam lies on the floor he is overcome with anger. He feels his heart pumping, his breath quickening, and his face getting hot. White hot rage courses through his body. Sam jumps up, and runs after Joshua, and pulls him to the ground and kicks him shouting ‘Why did you trip me up?!’. A teacher sees, and intervenes, and puts Sam in a time out, and later issues him with detention for the behaviour.

What is a trigger? A trigger is a strong emotional response to an event. We react to the trigger in a way that prompts a strong emotional reaction within us. By nature, reactions to triggers are stronger or bigger or louder than one would expect. They often overwhelm us, it feels like our brain is being hijacked and in part, that is because it literally has been. The ‘thinking about our thinking’ part of the brain - or the meta part of it has been hijacked by the amygdala in the limbic, reptilian part of the brain, as it perceives threat and reacts in the best way it knows how.

When did you last notice you were triggered by something? There are many things that could be considered triggering. A driver cutting you off in traffic. The smell of a certain scent. The tone of someone’s voice. But why is it that what triggers me, may not necessarily trigger you?

The answer is linked to our inner narrative. All triggers are linked to our inner narrative. In essence, a trigger affects me differently to you, because my inner narrative is different to yours. When we are triggered, there is an event, and then a reaction. The reaction that happens is prompted by our amygdala, and it would be one of three things: run, fight, or numb. This links back to our primitive brains, where in order to survive, these were the best options for our survival, run away from the sabre tooth tiger, fight the sabre tooth tiger, or play dead to the sabre tooth tiger.

Let’s look at our example of the boys playing soccer. Sam’s response to the trigger was to fight. There was an event, and he reacted. But why did the event trigger him? Had Joshua tackled Luca,  he would have laughed as he fell, and got up and carried on playing. Why did Sam respond to that event the way he did. What about that event triggered him? Sam’s inner narrative was what caused his reaction to the trigger. This is Sam’s inner narrative: ‘Everybody is always picking on me and I’m not as good at soccer as they are’ Triggers speak to our unmet needs. Sam feels the need to be accepted, and the event has a tinge of humiliation, so it speaks to Sam’s unmet need for acceptance.

There is an event, a value is placed on it (I am always being picked on), an unmet need (I am not accepted by this group - they don’t like me) and a reaction (running after Joshua and pulling him down and kicking him).

For teens, whose neocortex is still developing, working out strategies to engage the neocortex first, rather than being hijacked by the fight, flight or freeze response of the amygdala is a big ask.

So what are strategies that can be employed? In the instance of Sam and Joshua, if you asked Sam if he could replay the situation again, and asked him how he would choose to react, his answer would not be to pull Joshua down and kick him. Sam upon reflection realises that his reaction was over the top, he has ended up with detention, Joshua is upset with him, and Sam also feels shame and guilt after the fact.

Working on responding rather than reacting, comes down to regulation. How do we regulate? If Sam could have taken a pause, and a deep breath, and reflected, his outcome would not have been as violent. If there had been a space between the event and the outcome, he would have reflected on his own inner narrative and realised that Joshua hadn’t done it on purpose, that the boys playing soccer were actually his friends, and that he was in fact accepted by the group.

Taking a pause and a breath is the first and best route to centering ourselves after a triggering event. There is a reason why in comedies and sitcoms that you see people breathing deeply and counting to 10 after a stressful event. It works. As a society, imagine if all humans could allow a space between a triggering event and reacting? One would imagine a less violent and angry society.

This practice takes discipline, we need to teach our children this strategy. It is a simple yet effective strategy that gets easier with practice. It is much harder to take a breath and create a space, than to just allow the reaction and ensuing mayhem to play out. Our brains are hard wired to do that. But we can ‘unhardwire’ them. Clearly explaining to children that there may be instances in life where we feel triggered, but that before reacting, we can take a moment, think about the situation, and rather than reacting, we can respond.

Playing out a situation can be a way of doing this. For example, if Sam had taken a moment when lying on the floor, to play out the situation of what he wanted to do in his head, he would have foreseen the ensuing detention, shame and anger of his friend. This would encourage him to chose another course of action.

The key to accessing this is awareness? Continued conversation regarding taking a pause, and a deep breath, and the benefit of being aware of whether we are reacting (from a place of fight, flight or freeze) or responding (after taking a pause), and having discussions about the difference between them,  both in the classroom and in the home, can help our children to develop better, more helpful strategies that serve them better, when being triggered.

Reference:

Daniel Coleman, Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ Bloomsbury 1992)